I can’t believe that it’s been 1.5 years since I’ve started my PhD journey. Around this time last year, I wrote, “If I had to choose one word to describe my first semester of my PhD, it would be challenging. There were definitely times where I struggled and doubted myself, but overall I still believe that I am here for a reason, and that it will all be worth it in the end.”
Although I feel that this semester was challenging as well, it felt like a different kind of challenging. This semester I struggled with my self-belief and motivation, and I wondered if completing my PhD is still a goal of mine.
Ultimately I still arrived at the same conclusion as last year, so I’m excited to look forward to the new semester. In this post, I’ll share my reflections on my achievements and challenges of this semester (Fall 2022).
Achievement – I finished my coursework.
At the beginning of the semester, I set a goal to finish my coursework. Last year it was really important to me to get A’s, but this year I simply wanted to complete the requirement. I wasn’t as motivated with my classes this semester because it felt like an obligation when I could be doing research. I still learned a lot, and ended up with a 3.85 GPA overall, but the grades I got this semester are not indicative of my best efforts.
There were many times when I wanted to drop a course because I struggled to keep up with the material. However, I kept telling myself that I just needed to get through these classes and it will be done. Now that coursework is completed, I can focus on completing my thesis background exam and get into the lab full-time.
Challenge – I still wonder if doing the PhD is right for me.
Ever since starting the PhD, I waffle through my self-belief in completing my PhD. It’s usually always for the same reasons, whether it’s the pay cut compared to my peers, homesickness, delayed life events, and others. I wondered what my life would be like now if I had stayed at my job. These what if thoughts led to periods of low motivation, higher anxiety, and slower progress.
Some time during this year I decided that this is my experience with my PhD. I will always wonder if I can complete this PhD, while still showing up to the do the work. I will feel strong self-belief and I will also feel low motivation, sadness, or frustration that I made this decision to be here.
A Little Backstory
On the days that it feels harder, I think about my 20-21 year old self. At that time, I was still in chemical engineering, where I not only struggled academically, but also suffered mentally. I was deeply unhappy, yet I forced myself to stay in chemical engineering because that’s what I told myself, my family, and others that I would do. I thought that it would be the end of the world if I could not complete the degree. Eventually, I faced the truth – my academic and career choices were killing me. I couldn’t live like this anymore.
Research was the only academic thing that I enjoyed and succeeded in. It gave me hope of a different future, where I could be doing work that I enjoyed. Ultimately that’s the path I followed, which led me here.
When I compare my PhD experience to my undergrad experience, it doesn’t feel so bad (or hasn’t yet). I am living the dream that my 20-21 year old self wanted. I still wanted this even when I got a job at a chemical company, making $65K/year. I asked for this life for over 5 years, and now I finally have it. Now it’s up to me to make the most of it.
Final Thoughts
This reflection took a different turn than I anticipated, but I hope it gives some perspective into my brain. In the next post, I’ll share my intentions for 2023, including my PhD identity and goals.
I hope that you enjoyed reading about my personal experience and takeaways from my chemistry PhD journey. If you’d like to chat more about what I’ve shared, feel free to send me an email at hello@brittanytrinh.com, connect with me on LinkedIn, send me a message on Twitter and Instagram.