Have you ever been nervous about your “first day?” It could be your first day of school, first day of college, first day of work?
This past week was my first week in grad school. It was orientation, so I learned a lot about how the PhD program works at my university and met so many new people. It’s interesting to go from being an observer to an insider of academia.
Coming in, I knew that grad school would be challenging. I’ve spent the last 2.5 years mentally preparing myself for grad school by understanding myself and improving my mindset. That doesn’t mean that everything went as I expected though. I want to document my PhD journey weekly so that I can look back on this in the future and be super proud of not only my PhD (whenever it is completed) but also that I wrote at least 1000 words per week.
Instead of recounting my daily activities, I will summarize 3 main takeaways from my experiences during the week. Maybe this structure will evolve as I learn more or improve as a writer.
Here are my 3 takeaways from Week 1 of my chemistry PhD:
My past experience led me to where I am today.
Sometimes we think that we don’t have experience, but we forget that our past experience led us to where we are today.
On the first day of orientation, the graduate chair presented the requirements, expectations, and timelines for us. We are expected to take classes, join a research group, and teach all in the first semester. Then they listed all of these meetings and deadlines for advising, signing up for classes, and getting health insurance. After that, they listed the milestones we needed to reach in year 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and beyond so that we could graduate successfully.
I felt the pressure in my chest build up. Then this appeared on the screen:
You learn science by doing science.
When you graduate, you will be the world expert in a particular area of research.
You will be capable of teaching yourself basically any concept or technique.
That expertise can take you anywhere!
Suddenly, I felt my chest twist inward and rise up to my throat. Was I supposed to be here? I have never been a PhD student before, Could I actually do all of this, and stay sane?
Before I could coach myself out of it, this appeared on the screen:
It’s normal to be nervous.
It’s normal to be excited.
You were admitted because your past record demonstrated your potential to be successful here.
We believe in you.
I sighed in relief when I saw those words. It was a good reminder that what I’ve done before led me to be where I am now.
There will be many times where we think that we aren’t ready or that we don’t know enough. It’s just our brains wanting to freak out. When we reflect on our past experiences, we can find some similarities between what we did then to what we need to do now. Then we can figure out how we can transfer that knowledge so that we are building the skill, instead of starting from scratch.
Make decisions independently (and quickly).
No one can make decisions for us anymore. The best thing to do is to use the info that we already have and go with our gut.
I used to take FOREVER to make a decision because I wanted to have as much information as possible. I wanted to ask everyone for their opinions on what I should do. I wanted validation of my choices as “right” or “wrong.” However, there is no right or wrong when it comes to our personal decisions. The important thing is to 1) make a decision and 2) be OK with whatever results from our decision.
In addition to being a PhD student, I will also be a teaching assistant (TA). TAs are expected to teach 2 sections of lab and lecture per week, which can take up to about 20 hours per week.
This morning (8/29/2021), I received an unexpected invitation to be a support TA. The responsibilities of a support TA are similar to a regular TA. Support TAs only have to teach 1 section of lab and lecture, so it is less of a time commitment. However, the trade-off is that they need to be flexible and offer additional support as needed (like “on-call”).
When I saw that it was less of a time commitment, I made my decision instantly because I knew it would be in high demand. I decided to sign up for the support TA position because I want to spend less time teaching. I value my time and prefer to spend it focusing on finding the right research group or preparing for classes.
In the past, I would have asked for others’ perspectives about the position. I would have discussed it at length with people I trusted and gotten approval on my choices before committing. This pattern has prevented me from learning how to trust myself and delayed me from taking any action. If I had taken a long time to decide, all the spots for the support TA might have filled up.
If you struggle with decision-making, then it’s important to know what you value and what your goals are first. In my case, I value my time and I know it’s not in my goals or interests to teach more. On the other hand, some of my classmates have said that they don’t like the uncertainty of the position, so they decided not to.
Once you know your values and goals, ask yourself, “Does this align with my goals or values?” If yes, then move forward; if no, then it might not be for you, which is also OK. When you make decisions independently, you will feel better because you know you have your own back. When you make decisions quickly, you will have the advantage of taking action first over others who are still writing their pros and cons list.
Take time to rest properly, recharge, and process thoughts and feelings.
It can be easier to go through days, weeks, even months, without ever TRULY resting our bodies, recharging our social batteries, or processing our thoughts and feelings. However, we must take time to rest and regulate our emotions so that we can show up as our best selves every day.
As a generally anxious person, the quality of my sleep fluctuates according to my stress levels. Typically during the week before school begins, my stress levels creep higher and higher. I can tell when strange dreams disturb my sleep. The stress of being in a new work environment, meeting new people, being social for 8+ hours per day, and thinking about my family 1100 miles away has been getting to me.
I’ve been trying to manage my sleep naturally based on what I’ve learned from Tanessa Shears (she has a podcast called Becoming Limitless). I stop drinking coffee after 12pm to reduce caffeine in my body by the time I go to sleep. I attempt to wear an eye mask to block out all night and a sleep tracker to track my deep sleep (I end up pulling these off in the middle of the night). These habits are a work in progress for me.
In addition, during the past week, I’ve been around so many people all day long. I know that I need time to recharge, so I rarely schedule evening activities during the week. On the weekend, I leave Saturday open for going out and doing social activities and block out Sunday for staying in and recharging. Almost all of the time I am home by 9pm, and in bed no later than 12am. Sometimes I feel that I’m missing out when people in my cohort suggest hanging out spontaneously. But I know that I don’t do well with spontaneity and attending will tire me out even faster. I need to conserve my energy for orientation, training, and school coming up.
Lastly, I take time each week to process my thoughts and feelings. It looks different each day. Some days I wake up and have a lot of thoughts I want to get rid of so I can start a clean slate. In that case, I write in my journal or type out all of my thoughts. When I want to feel connected spiritually, I listen to a Buddhist chant, read about Buddhist philosophy, and reflect on how I can apply it to my life. Sometimes I lay on the floor and listen to a song (something like this or this), like Lilo does.
There are many different ways to rest, recharge, and process thoughts and feelings. It doesn’t matter what you do or how often you do it. If you start feeling like you need to release some pressure, prioritize taking a break now, not in the future. Even a short walk in nature or a moment of silence and allowing the mind to wander can give you some peace.
Up Next
TA training is this week! The schedule is packed from 9-5, but after my experience in resident advisor (RA) training as an undergrad, this training doesn’t faze me at all. RA training started 2 weeks before school, and went from 8am-8pm. There wasn’t only training, but also mandatory social events and a multitude of move-in prep tasks to complete in the evenings. This will probably be similar in content and less physically demanding, which is a relief.
I’ve never been a TA before, only a chemistry tutor. Even though I’m not interested in a career in teaching, I’m excited to learn how to teach better. Based on what I’ve seen, the teaching philosophy here is more like coaching than the typical “right/wrong” style of teaching that I’ve experienced.
I hope that you enjoyed reading about my personal experience and takeaways from my chemistry PhD journey. If you’d like to chat more about what I’ve shared, feel free to send me an email at hello@brittanytrinh.com.