I started the second semester of my PhD two weeks ago. It’s hard to believe that around this time last year, I was still trying to figure out if I had been accepted or not (a funny story for another time!)
This semester I’m taking two classes: polymer chemistry (in-person) and polymer rheology (online), teaching 2 sections of general chemistry, and starting a research project. I feel like I’m in a transition state, still trying to find my footing in the semester.
These past two weeks pushed me to relearn how to speak up, ask questions, and accept that I’ll be wrong throughout this PhD process.
Speak up and share your thoughts (even if you’re unsure!)
On the first day of class, the professor asked the class to identify some common polymers and the differences between them. I knew what the answers were (norbornene, nylon, and polylactide would have twice the repeat units as polylactic acid).
I wanted to raise my hand and share my answer, but I could not bring myself to lift my arm or speak up at all. I sat through the entire class period wondering why I couldn’t speak up. It wasn’t a problem last semester.
Finally, we neared the end of class. The professor asked the final question for the day: What is another possible way to create nylon using addition polymerization?
It was my final chance to redeem myself. I was less confident in this answer than the previous ones, but I barely managed to suggest “using a ring and opening it”. Luckily, the professor noticed my attempt and provided me the space to speak up.
After I explained my thinking more, the professor said that it was a good idea. I was so relieved! Not only because the professor was a good idea, but because I gathered the courage to say what I was thinking.
Say what you need to say, even if you feel unsure. You know what you’re talking about, and you have unique insights that others want to hear. When you speak up more, you will build your speaking muscle and feel more confident.
Ask questions when it feels right to you.
People like to say “There’s no such thing as a stupid question” and that they are available to answer any question I have. I don’t believe this, because there are definitely questions that are better than others.
It annoys me when people ask questions that fall under the “LMGTFY” category. That’s why I try to avoid asking my surface-level questions because I’m afraid of sounding dumb or inconsiderate of their time.
Instead, I try to figure out as much as I can on my own by using the resources I have, so that I can form more thoughtful and effective questions. Sometimes I still feel resistant or hesitant to ask because I don’t want to bother them. But at this point, I have to ask because if I don’t, I won’t make any progress.
This works out differently in class, since there’s almost no time to process information – we’re just absorbing as much as possible. For example, we started learning about kinetics of polymer reactions. The professor mentions that water is included in the Keq equation.
Immediately, I started wondering, “Don’t we normally leave out water from Keq?… Maybe this is such a basic question, I can look it up later.” My classmate must have read my mind because he raised his hand and asked my exact question. I’m so grateful he asked because it actually turned out to be a unique explanation.
It’s better to ask questions than no questions at all, and definitely sooner, rather than later. If possible, be as resourceful as you can to ask better questions. Only you will know when it’s the right time for you to ask your questions.
Accept that you will be wrong sometimes (and it doesn’t mean anything about you).
It’s really hard for me to accept when I’m wrong. And I personalize it, making it mean something about me, which obviously makes it worse.
Last week we played polymer jeopardy in class. In my team, I was the one in the professor’s group (specializing in polymers). I know it was just a class activity and I just started in the group, but I also couldn’t help but feel some kind of pressure to do well. (Maybe I am also selectively competitive). We each got a dry erase board to write our answers, so I led the team.
Here’s how it went:
Q1. The answer was polysaccharides and I answered starch. +100pts
Q2. The answer was block copolymers, but I answered alternating, because I was rushing to answer first. So embarrassing because it’s so basic! -100pts
Q3. I answered chitosan SO CONFIDENTLY because it was part of my undergrad research. And the answer was CHITIN. Wow, even more embarrassing, -200 pts
After getting a few questions wrong, I handed the board to my teammate. Honestly, I was SO upset with myself for being wrong. I felt really stupid. After class, I texted my friend to vent about how terrible I was (even though we ended up in 2nd place for the day).
Beyond some class activity, I also have this fear of doing things wrong or making mistakes in general. It’s probably a lifetime of experiences that led me to this point, but it won’t work for research.
Ultimately, we need to work towards accepting that we will be wrong sometimes and avoid equating being wrong with our self-worth. And we will inevitably be very wrong many times during the PhD. That’s why we have to give ourselves grace through the PhD process.
I hope that you enjoyed reading about my personal experience and takeaways from my chemistry PhD journey. If you’d like to chat more about what I’ve shared, feel free to send me an email at hello@brittanytrinh.com or send me a message on Twitter and Instagram @brttnytrnh.