When I accepted my offer to a chemistry PhD program, I felt SO excited. Finally – my dream of going to grad school was finally going to happen after my 2.5 years of “gap years.”
To my surprise, the months and weeks leading up to grad school have been filled with self-doubt.
Here are some of the thoughts that I’ve been having:
- I’m not ready for grad school.
- I’m going to fail in grad school.
- I will struggle financially in grad school.
- My anxiety will be exacerbated by grad school.
- Is grad school the right path for me?
Even though I KNEW I wanted to go to grad school, I saw that self-doubt and mind drama are an inevitable part of the journey.
I didn’t expect to have these thoughts even AFTER getting accepted into a PhD program and accepting the offer. I realized that these thoughts are just stories that I told myself, or limiting beliefs.
In this post, I will share what I experienced and how I have overcome these limiting beliefs.
I’m not ready for grad school. → I’m ready for grad school. This is fine
In April 2020, I watched a YouTube video by Dr. Darren Lipomi about getting into graduate school. It made me doubt if I was ready for grad school because I thought that I did not have the qualifications (GPA, scores, etc) to get in. I was afraid that I would be rejected from the programs that I applied to.
But I was accepted to UW-Madison chemistry in 2018. Instead of enrolling, I decided to defer my acceptance to gain work experience (link to other blog post). My acceptance in 2018 was evidence that someone DID believe in my potential to be a successful grad student!
I worried that I was behind my peers who were coming straight from undergrad, and not as prepared as them. In my mind, I thought a younger grad student would be “better” than me. They still had the information fresh in their mind, while I was rusty. My advantage was that I had work experience, which if anything, made me more prepared for grad school!
Comparisons don’t help me because ultimately I only need to compare my own progress and timeline. Everyone goes at their own pace and has their own path.
I’m going to fail in grad school. → Success is possible for me.
When I was an undergrad in chemical engineering, there were semesters where I barely passed classes. I spent hours studying, eating poorly (ramen or no meals) and skipping sleep (sleeping at 2am for weeks), and overconsuming caffeine to the point of having mini anxiety attacks (eye twitching for WEEKS).
During the entire time, I thought that engineering was so hard for me, so I needed to work harder or longer. This thought caused me to doubt my abilities while I was studying and during exams. The result? Barely passing courses and almost put on suspension.
When I started thinking “I’m going to fail in grad school,” I feared that this pattern would repeat itself.
To prevent this from happening, I’ve been preparing myself for grad school by understanding its culture and learning skills such as time management and productivity through The Academic Society and my side hustle.
The Academic Society is a YouTube channel by Dr. Toyin Alli, where she talks about grad school, time management, and productivity. Through her content, I learned what to expect from grad school and visualized that success is possible for me in grad school.
In addition, I’ve been building my web design business while working at my job. When I run my business, I have to do a lot of research on my own, and try out different things with my clients, marketing, programs, etc to see what works.
Running my own business has helped me build my confidence because I know that I can figure things out. I also know that I am a committed person when I decide what I want to do. I’ve also become more resourceful and adaptable, which are all skills that I can transfer to grad school to make it a success.
I will struggle financially in grad school. → I manage my money effectively.
During my interview for my job, my manager and my coworker both told me that they wished they had taken more time to grad school to save money. My coworker told me how she graduated with no savings, while her friends had a head start.
I was also not well-educated in personal finance until I got my first job. I picked up Ramit Sethi’s I Will Teach You to Be Rich and learned how to manage my money effectively. Thanks to his methods, I invested a huge portion of my salary into mutual funds and saved a good emergency fund.
In addition, I listened to Dr. Emily Robert’s podcast, Personal Finance for PhDs, to learn about what I could expect financially as a grad school. I also joined her financial learning community for a few months to learn specifically about what to do with my finances specifically as a grad student.
Although I’m proud that I established a strong financial foundation for myself, I still feel a little nervous about finances, especially now that my salary is reduced. I know that I manage my money effectively and will continue to do so in grad school.
My anxiety will be exacerbated by grad school → I know how to manage my anxiety.
Throughout undergrad, I often felt stressed and was prone to high anxiety, especially during exam season. I tried going to on-campus therapy, but it was only temporary. When I got the insurance from my job, I tried out therapy.
After a few months of therapy, I decided that it wasn’t for me. I’m not sure if it was the therapist or the practice itself (more past-focused), but I wanted to try something else. And that’s when I found life coaching.
Through life coaching, I learned how to manage my thoughts and emotions better. It has really transformed my life because I thought that I would always be a naturally anxious person until I mellowed out when I was older.
Within 6 months of life coaching, I was feeling so much lighter. Within a year of life coaching, I feel like my entire brain has been transformed. Now that I’ve learned how to manage my thoughts and process my emotions more healthily, I know that the circumstances themselves are not the stressful factor, but rather, my thoughts about the circumstances.
Coaching has also helped me improve how I view my personal and professional relationships. I used to be easily triggered or overly anxious or sensitive to others’ words or actions. After working on changing my brain and mindset, others’ words and actions do not affect me so much, and I feel much calmer and content overall.
Is grad school the right path for me? → I truly want to go to grad school.
This was the biggest question that I had for myself when I was deciding if I should go to grad school right away or defer my acceptance.
In undergrad, my professors encouraged me to pursue research based on my abilities in the lab. I also thought that it was what I wanted to do. Because of the reasons I stated above, I was not sure if it was the right path for me. I wanted to make sure that I was going to grad school for the right reasons, not just because a professor thought I would be good at it.
After working for the past 2.5 years, I realized that I wanted to go to grad school. I knew this was the right decision for me because I thought about how I would feel in the future if I never took this chance to do it while I could.
I wanted to develop a deep understanding in my field. I’ve learned from others’ experiences and now understand what I’m going into. I’m even more committed now because I’m going to school with greater purpose and clarity about how I want my experience to be like.
Final Thoughts
Now that I’ve decided to go back to school, I’m so proud of my past self for making this decision for me. Taking time to make sure this was the right decision for me was the best thing I could have done for myself back then AND for future Brittany (grad student and beyond).
I recommend you to take time to make your decision if you’re not sure if grad school is for you. During your gap year(s), you can also start building a strong financial foundation, do things that you’ve always wanted to do, or just straight up need a break from school. You may feel “behind” academically, but there are other things in life than academics.
Did you relate to any of these limiting beliefs or experiences? Let me know by sending me a message at hello@brittanytrinh.com!